In the midst of chaos God is my refuge and calm. The last few days have found me "hiding" from the world a bit. Maybe I feel a little shell shocked, maybe I'm not ready to face reality, maybe I just needed to be invisible...whatever the reason, God has allowed me this time. Now, it seems, he is making me ready to move.
Sometimes it isn't easy to be silent. In the last weeks I have found that sometimes silence is necessary. Silence can give the mind and soul a rest. It gives the chance to hear things I might otherwise have missed. It allows God a chance to speak. It is really amazing how God is sending me the messages and encouragement I need most right now. Today he reminds me that silence is needed and is important.
The Need for Silence
It is always easier to add to the noise of the world than to be silent. Silence is a very precious thing--"There was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour" (Rv 8:1 AV), when the seventh seal was opened in the Book of the Revelation. Thunder and horses and martyrs and earthquakes had preceded the opening of this seal. Hail, fire, blood, and fearful judgment followed it--but in between, angels stood in the presence of God and there was utter silence.
Have we learned to stand in God's presence, mouths shut, hearts open? "Lord, what do you want me to do?" We must be quiet in order to know Him and to hear Him and to hear Him answer us.
"If any of you lack wisdom let him ask his friends." No. That is not the Word of the Lord. "If any of you lack wisdom let him ask of God" (Jas 1:5 AV) is his Word to us. There is a place for asking wisdom of godly friends, but let us always go first to God.
"Be still"--that is, shut up--"and know that He is God" (Ps 46:10 AV).
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Answers begin to come...
I have not always depended on God the way I should. It is easy to say, "Here, Lord, take my problem." I, however, struggle with leaving the issue in His more than capable hands. Getting impatient that things aren't happening on my timeline, I sometimes try to "help" and things go awry. Sometimes I struggle with giving God the problem in the first place, thinking whatever it is might be too trivial for the God of the universe.
This summer God has been showing me alot about both of those things. He wants to take care of me and my issues. I NEED to seek Him and His grace. Receiving His grace is also part of the equation.
Now a bump has appeared in the road. Instinct screams to fight or to give up. Instead, it seems I am to wait. So...wait I shall. God is in control. I repeat that over and over. Instead of running head-first into the fray, I wait for God and His instructions. He is the director. I am concerned about the situation yet at peace.
He will let me know His plan when it is time and He will make the path clear. When and where he instructs, I will follow.
*************************************************************************************
It is one thing to serve on boards and committees that handle the affairs of others; it is quite another to make decisions that affect us personally.
It is not a sacrifice to the Lord if we give of that which costs us nothing.
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise" (Ps. 51:17).
*************************************************************************************
The Necessity to Cover
There are things which it is our duty to cover in silence. We are told nowadays that everything ought to be expressed if we are truly "honest" and "open."
Proverbs 11:13 says, "He who goes abroad as a talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing hidden."
Jesus sometimes refused to reveal the truth about Himself, even when it would have seemed to us "an opportunity to witness." He did not always answer questions. He did not always say who He was. He told some of those He healed to tell no one about it.
"For every activity under heaven its time...a time for silence and a time for speech" (Eccl 3:1,7 NEB). "A man of understanding remains silent" (Prv 11:12 RSV).
Lord, deliver me from the urge to open my mouth when I should shut it. Give me the wisdom to keep silence where silence is wise. Remind me that not everything needs to be said, and that there are very few things that need to be said by me.
This summer God has been showing me alot about both of those things. He wants to take care of me and my issues. I NEED to seek Him and His grace. Receiving His grace is also part of the equation.
Now a bump has appeared in the road. Instinct screams to fight or to give up. Instead, it seems I am to wait. So...wait I shall. God is in control. I repeat that over and over. Instead of running head-first into the fray, I wait for God and His instructions. He is the director. I am concerned about the situation yet at peace.
He will let me know His plan when it is time and He will make the path clear. When and where he instructs, I will follow.
*************************************************************************************
It is one thing to serve on boards and committees that handle the affairs of others; it is quite another to make decisions that affect us personally.
It is not a sacrifice to the Lord if we give of that which costs us nothing.
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise" (Ps. 51:17).
*************************************************************************************
The Necessity to Cover
There are things which it is our duty to cover in silence. We are told nowadays that everything ought to be expressed if we are truly "honest" and "open."
Proverbs 11:13 says, "He who goes abroad as a talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing hidden."
Jesus sometimes refused to reveal the truth about Himself, even when it would have seemed to us "an opportunity to witness." He did not always answer questions. He did not always say who He was. He told some of those He healed to tell no one about it.
"For every activity under heaven its time...a time for silence and a time for speech" (Eccl 3:1,7 NEB). "A man of understanding remains silent" (Prv 11:12 RSV).
Lord, deliver me from the urge to open my mouth when I should shut it. Give me the wisdom to keep silence where silence is wise. Remind me that not everything needs to be said, and that there are very few things that need to be said by me.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
What I need to do right now...(watch, wait and pray)
Watching Quietly, Praying Silently
The man whom Abraham sent to find a wife for his son Isaac had been long in Abraham's service. No doubt he had learned much of trust and obedience through watching his master walk with God. He set out on his mission, confident that God would help him.
Beside the Well of Aram of Two Rivers he halted his camels and was praying silently when a beautiful young woman appeared with her water jar on her shoulder. She responded to his request as he had prayed she would, and he watched quietly to see whether the Lord had made his journey successful (Gn 24:21).
Very possibly we often miss what God wants to show us because we don't take time to pray silently and watch quietly. It was by doing those two things, along with the obvious practical things (let us not leave those undone) that the servant was able to say, "I have been guided by the Lord" (Gn 24:27 NEB).
The man whom Abraham sent to find a wife for his son Isaac had been long in Abraham's service. No doubt he had learned much of trust and obedience through watching his master walk with God. He set out on his mission, confident that God would help him.
Beside the Well of Aram of Two Rivers he halted his camels and was praying silently when a beautiful young woman appeared with her water jar on her shoulder. She responded to his request as he had prayed she would, and he watched quietly to see whether the Lord had made his journey successful (Gn 24:21).
Very possibly we often miss what God wants to show us because we don't take time to pray silently and watch quietly. It was by doing those two things, along with the obvious practical things (let us not leave those undone) that the servant was able to say, "I have been guided by the Lord" (Gn 24:27 NEB).
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Thoughts and lessons for today...
Our Enemy is always looking for opportunities to control our lives. Where he cannot stir us up to revolt against God, he will seek to make us careless so that before we realize what is happening we are dominated by our fallen natures.
"For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" (Mark 8:36).
"For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" (Mark 8:36).
Friday, July 27, 2007
Advice to take to heart
So, stuff is going on...again. I am trying to seek God's will and gudiance in all things. The latest trial is very frustrating. I feel totally defeated. God has used amazing people, though, to encourage me. I am so thankful for friends. I want to take the situation and place it in God's hands...let Him work it all out. That is a hard thing for me. Letting God work and trusting Him isn't always easy. I don't know why but I want to give it to Him and then try to "help". OF course, when that happens things turn disasterous. Things are happening and I want God's peace. There are choices that will have to be made and I want to heard God's voice...his instruction in what to do next. This is a learning process for me. I feel like I'm standing on the edge and can't see what is "out there" and that's scary. I know God wants me to put my life in his hands and let him support and guide...it is going to be an interesting and lesson filled ride.
In the mean time...I found this quote this morning. I never cease to be amazed at how God sends messages when his children need them (and the instruments his sometimes chooses to use!)...
Meditate. Live purely. Be quiet. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds! Shine.
-Buddha
In the mean time...I found this quote this morning. I never cease to be amazed at how God sends messages when his children need them (and the instruments his sometimes chooses to use!)...
Meditate. Live purely. Be quiet. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds! Shine.
-Buddha
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
What I'm convicted about today...
A Devious Repentance
Recently I committed a sin of what seemed to me unpardonable thoughtlessness. For days I wanted to kick myself around the block. What is the matter with me? I thought. How could I have acted so? "Fret not thyself because of evildoers" came to mind. In this case the evildoer was myself, and I was fretting. My fretting, I discovered, was a subtle kind of pride. "I'm really not that sort of person," I was saying. I did not want to be thought of as that sort of person. I was very sorry for what I had done, not primarily because I had failed someone I loved, but because my reputation would be smudged. When my reputation becomes my chief concern, my repentance has a hollow ring. No wonder Satan is called the deceiver. He has a thousand tricks, and we fall for them.
Lord, I confess my sin of thoughtlessness and my sin of pride. I pray for a more loving and a purer heart, for Jesus' sake.
Recently I committed a sin of what seemed to me unpardonable thoughtlessness. For days I wanted to kick myself around the block. What is the matter with me? I thought. How could I have acted so? "Fret not thyself because of evildoers" came to mind. In this case the evildoer was myself, and I was fretting. My fretting, I discovered, was a subtle kind of pride. "I'm really not that sort of person," I was saying. I did not want to be thought of as that sort of person. I was very sorry for what I had done, not primarily because I had failed someone I loved, but because my reputation would be smudged. When my reputation becomes my chief concern, my repentance has a hollow ring. No wonder Satan is called the deceiver. He has a thousand tricks, and we fall for them.
Lord, I confess my sin of thoughtlessness and my sin of pride. I pray for a more loving and a purer heart, for Jesus' sake.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Continued lessons from FSU
God has been teaching me so much lately. These last 5 weeks have been full of experiences and lessons...and many of these weren't in the classroom! It is as if God has been breaking through some of the walls I had so carefully constructed around various parts of myself and is healing old hurts. This hasn't been an easy process, by far. I've felt out of sorts and confused; however, God is in control...and that is all I need to know.
The following is what he showed me today:
An Antidote for Pride
The basis of all sin of whatever kind is pride. This was what inspired the disobedience of Adam and Eve, and it is always with us. One very common form it takes is the pride of privilege. When a man is given a special position, he forgets that it was given. He becomes proud, as though "his own arm" had gotten him the victory.
God knows well the heart and made provision for this sin of pride when He instructed the Israelites about appointing a king. He was to make a copy of the law. This would be the antidote, necessary for him and likewise for all of us (for "law" read "Word"). "He shall keep it by him and read from it all his life, so that he may learn to fear the Lord his God and keep all the words of this law and observe these statutes.
In this way he shall not become prouder than his fellow countrymen nor shall he turn from these commandments to right or left" (Dt 17:19, 20 NEB). The attempt itself to keep the commandments, one by one and day after day, will be sufficient to humble us, for the "straightedge of the law" (Rom 3:20 JBP) will only show us, as Paul found, how crooked we are. We will find, in fact, that we cannot keep it. "The whole matter is on a different plane--believing instead of achieving" (Rom 3:27 JBP). Pride won't find much foothold on that plane.
"The real test of being in the presence of God is that you either forget about yourself altogether or see yourself as a small, dirty object. It is better to forget about yourself altogether" (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity).
The following is what he showed me today:
An Antidote for Pride
The basis of all sin of whatever kind is pride. This was what inspired the disobedience of Adam and Eve, and it is always with us. One very common form it takes is the pride of privilege. When a man is given a special position, he forgets that it was given. He becomes proud, as though "his own arm" had gotten him the victory.
God knows well the heart and made provision for this sin of pride when He instructed the Israelites about appointing a king. He was to make a copy of the law. This would be the antidote, necessary for him and likewise for all of us (for "law" read "Word"). "He shall keep it by him and read from it all his life, so that he may learn to fear the Lord his God and keep all the words of this law and observe these statutes.
In this way he shall not become prouder than his fellow countrymen nor shall he turn from these commandments to right or left" (Dt 17:19, 20 NEB). The attempt itself to keep the commandments, one by one and day after day, will be sufficient to humble us, for the "straightedge of the law" (Rom 3:20 JBP) will only show us, as Paul found, how crooked we are. We will find, in fact, that we cannot keep it. "The whole matter is on a different plane--believing instead of achieving" (Rom 3:27 JBP). Pride won't find much foothold on that plane.
"The real test of being in the presence of God is that you either forget about yourself altogether or see yourself as a small, dirty object. It is better to forget about yourself altogether" (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity).
Saturday, July 21, 2007
When God Says No
I've been learning about sometimes God saying 'no'. This is a hard lesson for me. Like so many people, I want things to go my way. Yeilding to God's desires for me is sometimes difficult; however, it is a refuge to know that He is in control. While I cannot see the reasons for staying in a situation (like CRHS) I can rest in the fact that He is working all things together for His good...
2 Samuel 7:1-13
Nathan commended David for his desire to build a temple and then went to his own house. That night God spoke to the prophet, and as an obedient servant, Nathan brought the word to David. The message was no.
God was not going to allow David to build a house of worship for Him. The Lord, however, was pleased with the intentions and the attitude of David's heart in this matter.
Years later, after David's death, Solomon built a magnificent temple and in his dedication message said, "It was in the heart of David my father to build an house for the name of the LORD God of Israel. And the Lord said unto David my father, Whereas it was in thine heart to build an house unto my name, thou didst well that it was in thine heart" (I Kings 8:17,18).
Though God said no to David's building a temple, He was so pleased with David's attitude that He made a covenant with him in which He promised to establish the house of David forever.
Can you take a no from God? He knows what is best for all of us. Remember, His promise to David was "I will be with thee for ever" (see 2 Sam. 7:16). This promise is ours also, for He has said He will never leave us nor forsake us (see Heb. 13:5).
"As for God, his way is perfect" (2 Sam. 22:31).
2 Samuel 7:1-13
Nathan commended David for his desire to build a temple and then went to his own house. That night God spoke to the prophet, and as an obedient servant, Nathan brought the word to David. The message was no.
God was not going to allow David to build a house of worship for Him. The Lord, however, was pleased with the intentions and the attitude of David's heart in this matter.
Years later, after David's death, Solomon built a magnificent temple and in his dedication message said, "It was in the heart of David my father to build an house for the name of the LORD God of Israel. And the Lord said unto David my father, Whereas it was in thine heart to build an house unto my name, thou didst well that it was in thine heart" (I Kings 8:17,18).
Though God said no to David's building a temple, He was so pleased with David's attitude that He made a covenant with him in which He promised to establish the house of David forever.
Can you take a no from God? He knows what is best for all of us. Remember, His promise to David was "I will be with thee for ever" (see 2 Sam. 7:16). This promise is ours also, for He has said He will never leave us nor forsake us (see Heb. 13:5).
"As for God, his way is perfect" (2 Sam. 22:31).
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
The seed that is me
To see things in the seed, that is genius.
-Lao-Tzu
Thank you, Lord, for seeing something in the seed that is me. Thank you, also, for the nurturing, tending, and (even though it can be painful) the pruning you do to help me to grow in your grace and wisdom. Let me have deep roots planted firmly in you and branches that reach tall and strong toward you.
-Lao-Tzu
Thank you, Lord, for seeing something in the seed that is me. Thank you, also, for the nurturing, tending, and (even though it can be painful) the pruning you do to help me to grow in your grace and wisdom. Let me have deep roots planted firmly in you and branches that reach tall and strong toward you.
Monday, July 16, 2007
What God showed me today...
My Own Fault
Someone who is suffering as a result of his own foolishness or failure may read these words. These griefs are hard indeed to bear, for we feel we might easily have avoided them. We have no one to blame but ourselves, and there isn't much consolation there. Sometimes we imagine that we must bear this kind of trouble alone, but that is a mistake. The Lamb of God, slain for us, has borne all of our griefs and carried all of our sorrows, no matter what their origin. All grief and sorrow is the result of sin somewhere along the line, but Christ received them willingly. It is nothing but pride that keeps me from asking Him to help me to bear the troubles which are my own fault.
Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world, take away mine.
I take Him at His word indeed,
Christ died for sinners--this I read--
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my Savior.
(Dora Greenwell)
Someone who is suffering as a result of his own foolishness or failure may read these words. These griefs are hard indeed to bear, for we feel we might easily have avoided them. We have no one to blame but ourselves, and there isn't much consolation there. Sometimes we imagine that we must bear this kind of trouble alone, but that is a mistake. The Lamb of God, slain for us, has borne all of our griefs and carried all of our sorrows, no matter what their origin. All grief and sorrow is the result of sin somewhere along the line, but Christ received them willingly. It is nothing but pride that keeps me from asking Him to help me to bear the troubles which are my own fault.
Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world, take away mine.
I take Him at His word indeed,
Christ died for sinners--this I read--
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my Savior.
(Dora Greenwell)
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Loving the world...
To love the world in the wrong way is to love it without knowing the Father's love. It is when a man knows Him and receives everything from his hand that the world is redeemed for him, no longer a snare and in opposition to the love of God. I must love the world only through and because of the Father, not instead of. My ultimate concern must be God Himself. He is eternal. His gifts are not always so.
Lord, may no gift of yours ever take your place in my heart. Help me to hold them lightly in an open palm, that the supreme object of my desire may always be You and You alone. Purify my heart--I want to love You purely.
Lord, may no gift of yours ever take your place in my heart. Help me to hold them lightly in an open palm, that the supreme object of my desire may always be You and You alone. Purify my heart--I want to love You purely.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
lesson for today...
"The love of Christ leaves us no choice....His purpose in dying for all was that men, while still in life, should cease to live for themselves" (2 Cor 5:14,15 NEB).
No other choice but love. Cease to live for yourself. Live for Christ. Don't bother singing, "Oh, how I love Jesus" as long as you are plotting retaliation. You don't really have that choice, not if you're a Christian.
No other choice but love. Cease to live for yourself. Live for Christ. Don't bother singing, "Oh, how I love Jesus" as long as you are plotting retaliation. You don't really have that choice, not if you're a Christian.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
another installment of : What God showed or taught me today...
Yesterday's victory is not sufficient for today. We must have a moment-by-moment walk with the Lord so that when each testing comes, we will be victorious for Christ.
You therefore, beloved, knowing this beforehand, be on your guard so that you are not carried away by the error of unprincipled men and fall from your own steadfastness" (2 Pet. 3:17, NASB).
You therefore, beloved, knowing this beforehand, be on your guard so that you are not carried away by the error of unprincipled men and fall from your own steadfastness" (2 Pet. 3:17, NASB).
Monday, July 09, 2007
Today is the first day...
Well...God has placed something on my heart and I'm listening.
I've been wanting to get back into shape. I'm tired of feeling pudgy and out of shape. While here at FSU I've been eating well and I'm taking my thyroid meds every day. I realized I was going to have to do more. While praying about what that might be, God kept putting joggers/runners in my path. Dad has been jogging for years. Jimmy has been jogging (and even runs marathons and has done triathlons!). Anji started running in January and her husband, John Ventry, started jogging recently. My roommate, Hannah, runs daily and is training for a marathon in January. My wonderful new friend, Eric, jogs. So...OK LORD! I get the picture...I will get on the bandwagon and start jogging. When I got home today I changed and went to the fitness center at the condo. I walked (at a pace of 4 mph) for 20 min. on a treadmill and then rode a stationary bike for 20 min. (at about 10 mph). I feel pretty good...so far. Tomorrow, I'll do more. I hope to build up to jogging fairly quickly and then build from there.
It's interesting, too, how many of these people are all training for a marathon at Disney in January. They don't know one another; however, they will all be running the same race. Is God pointing me in that direction as well???
So today...it the first day for a new me. Prayerfully, God gives me the strength to commit to this and make it a part of my life.
I've been wanting to get back into shape. I'm tired of feeling pudgy and out of shape. While here at FSU I've been eating well and I'm taking my thyroid meds every day. I realized I was going to have to do more. While praying about what that might be, God kept putting joggers/runners in my path. Dad has been jogging for years. Jimmy has been jogging (and even runs marathons and has done triathlons!). Anji started running in January and her husband, John Ventry, started jogging recently. My roommate, Hannah, runs daily and is training for a marathon in January. My wonderful new friend, Eric, jogs. So...OK LORD! I get the picture...I will get on the bandwagon and start jogging. When I got home today I changed and went to the fitness center at the condo. I walked (at a pace of 4 mph) for 20 min. on a treadmill and then rode a stationary bike for 20 min. (at about 10 mph). I feel pretty good...so far. Tomorrow, I'll do more. I hope to build up to jogging fairly quickly and then build from there.
It's interesting, too, how many of these people are all training for a marathon at Disney in January. They don't know one another; however, they will all be running the same race. Is God pointing me in that direction as well???
So today...it the first day for a new me. Prayerfully, God gives me the strength to commit to this and make it a part of my life.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Frustrated and Confused
I don't know what to do.
I went to the school today to run some copies and do some misc. work. I figured by doing the copies now it would give me some extra time later. It also would work well to use up copy numbers now, especially when the machines are free.
One of the administrators, one that I like, asked me to stop by her office. She told me my numbers are still down (what do I have to do to get numbers?????????). I'll be expected to teach English next year. I've been given an ultimatium: get English certified or drop down to part-time.
I was also basically told I'll be expected to 'play nice', go to the English Dpt meetings, track with the other English teachers, etc. I'm not an English teacher! I don't like teaching English.
I'm discouraged and angry. I don't understand this. What lesson am I supposed to be learning?
I don't like teaching English! I don't know what to do!!!!!!
I went to the school today to run some copies and do some misc. work. I figured by doing the copies now it would give me some extra time later. It also would work well to use up copy numbers now, especially when the machines are free.
One of the administrators, one that I like, asked me to stop by her office. She told me my numbers are still down (what do I have to do to get numbers?????????). I'll be expected to teach English next year. I've been given an ultimatium: get English certified or drop down to part-time.
I was also basically told I'll be expected to 'play nice', go to the English Dpt meetings, track with the other English teachers, etc. I'm not an English teacher! I don't like teaching English.
I'm discouraged and angry. I don't understand this. What lesson am I supposed to be learning?
I don't like teaching English! I don't know what to do!!!!!!
Monday, June 11, 2007
Dates to remember
Last night at 11 pm my Aunt Marilyn passed away. She had fought a good fight against cancer and the cancer, ultimately, won. Aunt Marilyn was my 'Auntie Mame'...she was full of life and full of love. She wasn't afraid of death but saw it as a transition out of this world and into the arms of the Lord. I'm sure Grandpa, Grandma Mabel and Grandma Anne were waiting for her. I'm glad to know she is out of pain. It hurts to know I didn't get to see her 1 more time. She is the first of my dad's siblings to pass away, I can't begin to imagine how they feel...how her family feels. RIP...to a beautiful woman...
Today is my mom's birthday. She's 64 today. I gave her her gifts last week. I pray she has a wonderful year and that God blesses her in new and amazing ways.
Today is my mom's birthday. She's 64 today. I gave her her gifts last week. I pray she has a wonderful year and that God blesses her in new and amazing ways.
Friday, June 01, 2007
the unknows
I'm sitting on the brink of so much right now. There is a choice that has to be made and I don't know what to do. In some ways the obvious seems to be the best way to go. (but what is obvious?)
It seems to be what I've been praying about. In many ways I want to jump out of the boat and walk on faith.
The problem? It isn't just me that has to be considered. If Tom isn't behind this 100%...if Tom doesn't think this is God's will then we don't take a step forward. Is his hesitation genuine or is it just fear?
What I do know is choices have to be made quickly...I pray God directs our steps quickly and with all certainty.
It seems to be what I've been praying about. In many ways I want to jump out of the boat and walk on faith.
The problem? It isn't just me that has to be considered. If Tom isn't behind this 100%...if Tom doesn't think this is God's will then we don't take a step forward. Is his hesitation genuine or is it just fear?
What I do know is choices have to be made quickly...I pray God directs our steps quickly and with all certainty.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Which theologian are you?
 | You scored as John Calvin. Much of what is now called Calvinism had more to do with his followers than Calvin himself, and so you may or may not be committed to TULIP, though God's sovereignty is all important.
Which theologian are you? created with QuizFarm.com |
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Anger, frustration and discouragement
It has been a difficult year at work. After last year's problems and the accusations I knew this year would be hard. I felt, though, that God was directing me to stay. Running from my problems wasn't the way to solve them. I have felt bombarded all year. It seems I am embroiled in serious spiritual battle. There are day's it seems I can do nothing right. I have questioned if this job is the right thing...if I should stay...if I should change careers. I have doubted my abilities.
Depression has flirted all around. Panic and anxiety have been a plague. I felt attacked from all sides. Discouragement has been a regular occurance.
I didn't give up, though. Pushing forward, I've trusted God at every turn. There had to be an end and things would get better. God was using this to teach me, to make me grow, to draw me closer to him.
I'll admit I haven't always been good through this process. Sometime I complained because of how uncomfortable the whole thing has been. There were times when giving up would have been the easiest thing to do. There were times I grumbled. However, I continued to realize God was in control.
Yesterday was my yearly evaluation. I don't know what I expected. My boss actually asked if I wanted to be doing my job! He said I seemed 'frail' and unhappy. He suggested I might want to consider another career. He brough my health up and that I seem to get ill "a lot". He suggested I should make more of an effort to reunite the arts department.
In the end I passed my evaluation; however, I felt totally shreaded. I don't know what to do. Being a drama teacher has been amazing...teaching English has been awful. I want to be faithful. I want to be a good teacher. I just don't know. I didn't feel that he always understood or listened to what I tried to say.
It is amazing, though, how God is still in control. This morning, I opened an e-mail devotional. Elizabeth Elliot has been such a source of encouragement and teaching this year. God has continually sent me just what I needed just when I needed to hear it.
Prayer is Conflict
Prayer is no easy pastime. As I grow old I find that I am more conscious than ever of my need to pray, but it seems at the same time to become more of a struggle. It is harder to concentrate, for one thing. I was greatly helped by some private notes Amy Carmichael wrote to her "Family" (hundreds of children and their helpers, both Indian and European) in Dohnavur, South India, to help them prepare for a special day of prayer.
She quoted Paul's letter to the Colossians (2:1, KJV): "I would that ye knew what great conflict I have for you." He is referring at least in part to the conflict of prayer. The same verse is translated "how greatly I strive" in the Revised Version; "how deep is my anxiety" in J.B. Phillips; and, in the Jerusalem Bible, "Yes, I want you to know that I do have to struggle hard for you... to bind you together in love and to stir your minds, so that your understanding may come to full development, until you really know God's secret in which all the jewels of wisdom and knowledge are hidden."
Here are Amy's notes:
WITH WHAT DID I STRUGGLE?
1. With all that says to me, what is the use of your praying? So many others, who know more of prayer than you do, are praying. What difference does it make whether you pray or not? Are you sure that your Lord is listening? Of course He is listening to the other prayers but yours are of such small account, are you really sure He is "bending His ear" to you?
2. With all that suggests that we are asked to give too much time to prayer. There is so much to do. Why set aside so much time just to pray?
3. With all that discourages me personally--perhaps the remembrance of past sin, perhaps spiritual or physical tiredness; with anything and everything that keeps me back from what occupied St. Paul so often--vital prayer.
WHAT WILL HELP ME MOST IN THIS WRESTLE?
1. The certain knowledge that our insignificance does not matter at all, for we do not come to the Father in our own name but in the Name of His beloved Son. His ear is always open to that Name. Of this we can be certain.
2. The certain knowledge that this is Satan's lie; he is much more afraid of our prayer than our work. (This is proved by the immense difficulties we always find when we set ourselves to pray. They are much greater than those we meet when we set ourselves to work.)
3. Isaiah 44:22 and kindred words, with 1 John 1:9, meet all distress about sin. Isaiah 40:29-31 with 2 Corinthians 12:9,10 meets everything that spiritual or physical weariness can do to hinder. Psalm 27:8 with Isaiah 45:19 meets all other difficulties. And the moment we say to our God, "Thy face, Lord, will I seek," His mighty energies come to the rescue. (See Colossians 1:2,9.) Greater, far greater, is He that is in us than he that is against us. Count on the greatness of God. But are we to go on wrestling to the end?
No, there is a point to which we come, when, utterly trusting the promise of our Father, we rest our hearts upon Him. It is then we are given what St. Paul calls access with confidence (Ephesians 3:12). But don't forget that this access is by faith, not by feeling, faith in Him our living Lord; He who says "Come unto Me" does not push us away when we come. As we go on, led by the Holy Spirit who so kindly helps our infirmities, we find ourselves in 1 John 5:14,15 and lastly in Philippians 4:6, . It is good to remember that immediate answer to prayer is not always something seen, but it is always inward peace.
And if the day ends otherwise and we are discouraged? Then tell Him so, "nothing ashamed of tears upon His feet" [here she is quoting from F.W.H. Meyers's poem "St. Paul"]. Lord, Thou knowest all things. Thou knowest that I love Thee. "Yes, my child, I know." But don't settle down into an "it will never be different" attitude. It will be different if only in earnest we follow on to know the Lord.
Depression has flirted all around. Panic and anxiety have been a plague. I felt attacked from all sides. Discouragement has been a regular occurance.
I didn't give up, though. Pushing forward, I've trusted God at every turn. There had to be an end and things would get better. God was using this to teach me, to make me grow, to draw me closer to him.
I'll admit I haven't always been good through this process. Sometime I complained because of how uncomfortable the whole thing has been. There were times when giving up would have been the easiest thing to do. There were times I grumbled. However, I continued to realize God was in control.
Yesterday was my yearly evaluation. I don't know what I expected. My boss actually asked if I wanted to be doing my job! He said I seemed 'frail' and unhappy. He suggested I might want to consider another career. He brough my health up and that I seem to get ill "a lot". He suggested I should make more of an effort to reunite the arts department.
In the end I passed my evaluation; however, I felt totally shreaded. I don't know what to do. Being a drama teacher has been amazing...teaching English has been awful. I want to be faithful. I want to be a good teacher. I just don't know. I didn't feel that he always understood or listened to what I tried to say.
It is amazing, though, how God is still in control. This morning, I opened an e-mail devotional. Elizabeth Elliot has been such a source of encouragement and teaching this year. God has continually sent me just what I needed just when I needed to hear it.
Prayer is Conflict
Prayer is no easy pastime. As I grow old I find that I am more conscious than ever of my need to pray, but it seems at the same time to become more of a struggle. It is harder to concentrate, for one thing. I was greatly helped by some private notes Amy Carmichael wrote to her "Family" (hundreds of children and their helpers, both Indian and European) in Dohnavur, South India, to help them prepare for a special day of prayer.
She quoted Paul's letter to the Colossians (2:1, KJV): "I would that ye knew what great conflict I have for you." He is referring at least in part to the conflict of prayer. The same verse is translated "how greatly I strive" in the Revised Version; "how deep is my anxiety" in J.B. Phillips; and, in the Jerusalem Bible, "Yes, I want you to know that I do have to struggle hard for you... to bind you together in love and to stir your minds, so that your understanding may come to full development, until you really know God's secret in which all the jewels of wisdom and knowledge are hidden."
Here are Amy's notes:
WITH WHAT DID I STRUGGLE?
1. With all that says to me, what is the use of your praying? So many others, who know more of prayer than you do, are praying. What difference does it make whether you pray or not? Are you sure that your Lord is listening? Of course He is listening to the other prayers but yours are of such small account, are you really sure He is "bending His ear" to you?
2. With all that suggests that we are asked to give too much time to prayer. There is so much to do. Why set aside so much time just to pray?
3. With all that discourages me personally--perhaps the remembrance of past sin, perhaps spiritual or physical tiredness; with anything and everything that keeps me back from what occupied St. Paul so often--vital prayer.
WHAT WILL HELP ME MOST IN THIS WRESTLE?
1. The certain knowledge that our insignificance does not matter at all, for we do not come to the Father in our own name but in the Name of His beloved Son. His ear is always open to that Name. Of this we can be certain.
2. The certain knowledge that this is Satan's lie; he is much more afraid of our prayer than our work. (This is proved by the immense difficulties we always find when we set ourselves to pray. They are much greater than those we meet when we set ourselves to work.)
3. Isaiah 44:22 and kindred words, with 1 John 1:9, meet all distress about sin. Isaiah 40:29-31 with 2 Corinthians 12:9,10 meets everything that spiritual or physical weariness can do to hinder. Psalm 27:8 with Isaiah 45:19 meets all other difficulties. And the moment we say to our God, "Thy face, Lord, will I seek," His mighty energies come to the rescue. (See Colossians 1:2,9.) Greater, far greater, is He that is in us than he that is against us. Count on the greatness of God. But are we to go on wrestling to the end?
No, there is a point to which we come, when, utterly trusting the promise of our Father, we rest our hearts upon Him. It is then we are given what St. Paul calls access with confidence (Ephesians 3:12). But don't forget that this access is by faith, not by feeling, faith in Him our living Lord; He who says "Come unto Me" does not push us away when we come. As we go on, led by the Holy Spirit who so kindly helps our infirmities, we find ourselves in 1 John 5:14,15 and lastly in Philippians 4:6, . It is good to remember that immediate answer to prayer is not always something seen, but it is always inward peace.
And if the day ends otherwise and we are discouraged? Then tell Him so, "nothing ashamed of tears upon His feet" [here she is quoting from F.W.H. Meyers's poem "St. Paul"]. Lord, Thou knowest all things. Thou knowest that I love Thee. "Yes, my child, I know." But don't settle down into an "it will never be different" attitude. It will be different if only in earnest we follow on to know the Lord.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Blah and Blech!!!
Today I am BLAH!!!!!! I've been sick for a week (bronchitis) and had to take a day and a half off of work (which I never do). I went back to work today...a 15.5 hour day...great. My voice is still gone and I had to use it way too much. I feel discouraged and totally used up;. My boss mentioned this evening that I "seem to get sick a lot."...great! I'm sure he'll use this against me now. Stuff just doesn't feel right right now. So much feels...well, off. Tom seems obsessed with the finances; however, I don't know what I am supposed to do. Yes, school isn't cheap; however, doing this will help in the long run. I didn't get the scholarship; however, I might get it next year. I feel guilty about spending a dollar sometimes because of school. There are times he seems focused on the debt; however, there always seems to be enough for other stuff. I'm not a wife that claims my pay is "mine" to do with as I please. I contribute the whole to our account. I work as hard as I can for the pay I receive and there are days it just doesn't seem enough.
I'm off right now and it's making the world askew. It feels like people are shoving their problems in my direction and I'm supposed to shoulder it all. Oh...and someone is stealing stuff from Drama...again.
It feels like a spiritual attack from every side. I don't know what the lesson is I should be learning. I don't know if I am being directed to move or what that direction would even be. I'm tying to trust...I'm trying to lean...I'm trying to listen...But am I?????
So, today I am BLAH!!! Today I am BLECH!!!!! Tomorrow I will put a smile on my face and wash cars so my students can have their trip to Tampa. Tomorrow will be a new day...Tomorrow has no mistakes in it, yet.
Lord??? Help!!!!!!!!
I'm off right now and it's making the world askew. It feels like people are shoving their problems in my direction and I'm supposed to shoulder it all. Oh...and someone is stealing stuff from Drama...again.
It feels like a spiritual attack from every side. I don't know what the lesson is I should be learning. I don't know if I am being directed to move or what that direction would even be. I'm tying to trust...I'm trying to lean...I'm trying to listen...But am I?????
So, today I am BLAH!!! Today I am BLECH!!!!! Tomorrow I will put a smile on my face and wash cars so my students can have their trip to Tampa. Tomorrow will be a new day...Tomorrow has no mistakes in it, yet.
Lord??? Help!!!!!!!!
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