Birthday venting

Ok...so yesterday was my birthday. Accepting the 'getting a year older' part was OK. What bothered me was the way so many of my 'friends' behaved. I had to be at a meeting (since Friday) for an organization I belonged to and my friends were more interested in "hanging out with each other and bonding" than doing anything. As I write this I know it sounds petty and selfish and I know I'm not explaining it well at all.(you would have had to be there to experience it) I guess putting down all the details is a little to raw and painful. One of my closest friends treated me like I was just a bother. We roomed together, like we always do when we go to these meetings. Normally we make the time to go to dinner, just talk or the like while we are gone since we don't get to see each other that often. This time she was always 'just stepping out for a minute' and kept doing jobs that are supposed to be my responsibility. She kept running down to another friends room to 'talk' or 'bond'. It was made abundantly clear I wasn't invited or wanted at these pow-wow's. I also caught her saying things that just aren't true! (I hate being lied to) It felt like that middle school clique mentality all over again. I know I'm over sensative to things right now, my mother-in-law is termanilly ill and taking care of her is taking its toll, but it just felt like I was being treated like less of a human. Like I was somthing that 'just happened to them'. The thing that hurts the most is these people are supposed to be my friends and more and more over the last 4-5 months I have been the group 'out cast' or 'misfit'. I guess this is what it feel like to be 'voted off of the island'...I only wish I knew why I was the one selected.
I got home that evening and got two precious hours with my husband, he works shift work and is on mids this week. Then I ran of to go to a birthday party for someone I know. Is is lame to attend a birthday party for someone else on you own birthday????? That party was the best part of my day. (is that the worst part of the whole thing???)
It hurts that my own family didn't even call, e-mail or anything. I know I am the 'family black sheep' but it is just one more case how I just don't belong. When they e-mailed me a week or ago to see if I was 'available' on my birthday it was like I was bother. They actually said that they had another obligation on that day and wanted to know if they would have to miss being at that because of me. Was I wrong to be hurt? I had told them no less than 6 times since August that I had this meeting in on my birthday yet they didn't remember. My own brother didn't bother to even send an e-mail. I'm sure it is OK for him to do that because 'he is so busy'. You know...I am busy too!!!!! I work a 50-60 hour a week job, am a wife, help with my dying mother-in-law, am there for my students as much as possible, deal with a problem adminstration, etc. I remembered to send him e-mails on his birthday and made sure he got a gift and card. My parents made sure they had time for him. (they arrange their schedule every fall to be with him) They went to visit him and his wife for his birthday. They want me to come to them. They have been to my house twice since I moved here: once to deliver a piece of furnature because they were driving through this way and the second time to berate me for 3-4 hours on what a disappointment I was and threaten to disown me.
My students remembered it was my birthday. They are the ones who called and left messages. Two friends who live out of town and have known me for years sent e-mail. My husband remembered and made sure he got me things I would like. And that was about it.
It was one of the worst birthday's I have ever had, and I have had some really rotten ones. I think this one was in the top 5 of the worst. I hope it was no indication on how this year is going to be! If it is going to be a bad as yesterday was I don't think I'll get out of bed for the next year!!!! On the other hand, maybe yesterday will be the worst and the rest of the year will be fabulous! Yes, I'll try to think that way. I'll pray that God gives me the best year I can possibly have and that this time next year I will be able to write on how amazing the day was and what good memories I have of an amazing and exciting year.
I think it is also time to pray for some new friends...

Val-a-grams

Monday was Valentine's Day. My student's and I decided to sell carnations as a fund raiser and I had a flashback to my own high school days. Does anyone remember Val-a-grams? I remember buying those carnations for my friends and for that 'special guy' I really wanted to ask me out. I remember picking my words carefully as I filled out the heart-shaped card that would be attached. The morning of Valentine's Day I would dress with care, wanting to look my absolute best in case "someone" would finally ask me out. I imagined getting carnations and what those little hart cards would say. I couldn't wait for my friends to get theirs and know they were important to me. "That guy" never did ask me out. I usually did get at least one carnation from someone, especially from the guy that wanted me to be his "special someone". Sometimes other gifts were given and received as well. On Monday I thought about the kids who wanted that simple token and didn't receive it. My wonderful husband always sends me flowers (roses and carnations this year) with a note attached. He wantes me to know he cares. (he's special like that) Some of the students look at those, smell them and talk about how lucky I am. They want 'someone special' to love them. So many of them are lonely, empty, looking. I wish they could know that God loves them and wants to give them more than a carnation with a heart attached.

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