2011-a year in review

I don't normally do a meme for the new year. As I reflected on this past year, I though I would.

January: The year started reasonably enough. Tom and I had the NPD car show at Silver Springs and had a nice time. Didn't win anything but my '67 got a lot of attention. Started a new semester at work and that brought a new batch of kids. Had one of the best English 3 classes I've had in years. Had a small English 1 grade forgive class. Struggled with the "dump all Drama classes into one" the school keeps doing to me. Ended up deciding to do an incorporated project for Drama and we studied "Our Town", I think that project went fairly well. On the 27th my brother and sister-in-law (and Amelia!) welcomed Knox Richard James into their family.

February: Valentine's Day, my Birthday, FCAT. Worked a lot. Cast the spring show and started rehearsing. Had some blood work done and the endocrinologist thought we had my thyroid levels under control with medication. My GP wanted me to start taking some additional medication but I resisted, I just wasn't comfortable with taking it then.

March: 3rd quarter exams. Spring Break (where I basically slept the whole time). Rehearsals continued. Adopted a new Black and Tan coonhound (Annabel Lee) and she is amazing. We knew we would know when it was time to get a new dog and God sent us Bellee

April: Rehearsal increased and the show was the end of April. Tom and I celebrated our 13th anniversary. Got word Uncle Bill (Dad's brother) had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Granny fell and broke her other hip, requiring surgery. During the Spring show I got work Uncle Bill went home to be with the Lord. Continued to have problems with DE the AP (she walked out of the spring show twice and trash talked me and my kids).

May: Went to Uncle Bill's Celebration of Life. Graded research projects. Officially learned I was losing my classroom and black box theatre. Got torn to shreds in an evaluation and after 5 years of DE the AP's 'issues' addressed the problems with 'The Boss'. Learned DE the AP had been reassigned to the Renaissance Center (school for 'problem students') and she was getting her 'wish' to be a Principal (this is a bit of a 'be careful what you wish for' situation). Had the Broken Leg banquet and said good bye to another group I cared deeply about. Went to another graduation (in the miserable heat). Started packing and moving my home on campus (death #2). Ended my 12th school year at CRHS.

June: Tried to recover from the school year. Wasn't feeling well. Spent at least a week working with Cate on the 'sooper seekrit' project. Met people in Dunnellon. Karen contacts me about Mom and Dad's address. She wants to send Dad a plant for Father's Day. (this is a big deal) Mom turned 68(?)

July: went to St. Maarten for a week with Mom and Dad. Wish I could go back to that condo on Simpson Bay at least once a year. It was such a beautiful place and I really loved sitting on the balcony (either the small one off my room or the big one off the main section) and reading or looking at the water/boats/planes take off or land or watch the sunset or watch the rain showers move. St. Maarten was a wonderful experience. Started getting ready for a new school year. Got my hair trimmed and colored (note to self...don't wait 10 months between trim and coloring) Dad had a cancer scare.

August: started school year #13 at CRHS. Stuff was missing that was supposed to be moved. The new construction isn't everything it was 'supposed' to be. My room is very small and doesn't begin to meet the needs of my subject. They forced me to teach 2 English 3 classes and only 1 Drama class. Was given no time to move out of my old space and lost about 85% of what we owned, the program will never recover from that. Was given a number of challenging students (an autistic, an ESOL, several very low learners). Started having lunch with another teacher and one of the aids. Have to start going to training mandated by the county. Lots of changes going on. Got closer to Bri after knowing her for about 2 years. Going on a Spring Break cruise with Mom, Dad and Karen. Tom working on SD A LOT. Planning to have the car done by October 2012. Angela turned 34. Granny turned 92.

September: Granny passed away on September 10 while Mom and Dad were in Italy. Amelia turned 3 on the 13th and had her first 'real' birthday party on the 16. Mom and Dad came back to the states on the 15 and I took 6 days off work to help. Went to GA with family to have Granny's funeral during that time. Very different experience from Uncle Bill's. Returned to work to Homecoming week and then end of the first 9 weeks. Exhausted most of the time. John turned 33.

October: End of the first 9 weeks. Tom turned 51. Mom and Dad celebrated 47 years of marriage. Started working on Districts one act and tried to get the kids working on their IE's. Work feels off so much of the time. Anji has a birthday. Started formulating a project for next semester for the production, going to be a production and a community service project.

November: Finally had a holiday and then a week off. Working on research papers. Sarah and then Dad and Aunt Jane have a birthday. Karen making gestures to become close to Mom, Dad and me. Karen needing to get away from her Mom. Karen admits to us she is an alcoholic (we knew but she told us) and is recovering. Judged an event for Cate.

December: Districts where the kids did better than the scores reflect but I got to know a couple wonderful parents and one of the staff from work. Districts also kicked the kids into wanting to change things. Am hopeful this will follow through. Had a Christmas party with the kids. Another set of research projects due. Jeff, James, Jimmy, Luke, Savannah and Derek all have birthday's. Second quarter exams. Losing an English 3 class I really likes (2 in one year!). Losing an English 3 class that wasn't that good (with all the problem students). Finished a Drama class with all sorts of problems. Spent 2 weeks recovering from the year. Went back to the endocrinologist and are trying a different mix on medication. Weight has crept up and am going to try to get back into my exercise regiment next year. Had hair cut and colored. Got bedroom set from Mom and Dad (but Tom would only take the bed frame and night stands...ugh). Mom and Dad moved into a 'retirement community'.

So it felt like a year of stress and loss. There were some bright spots but it felt like more valleys than mountain tops. Glad to have it gone. Praying 2012 is better. Praying for doors to open and for opportunities to afford themselves. Maybe I'll write out some goals for 2012. There are some things I am excited about happening in 2012...honestly, don't know I could handle many more years like this one!

Howard Jones interview

One of my friends sent me this link because they remembered HoJo was one of my favorite artists!

SQUEE!!!

Ramblings from earlier this week

It's been too long since I posted here. I need to be better about writing. The following is some ramblings from earlier in the week. Posting it here so I don't 'lose' it. Some thoughts I want to ponder:

I thought I saw myself this morning. For a moment the mirror appeared out of focus and a face from the past peered at me. When did I lose that part of myself? I long to become reacquainted with the girl of my past, she has strength, ideas and energy I would love to rediscover. She has fears I would love to discuss and try to allay. I would love for her to know how to avoid a few things. That there are times when life will appear dark and dismal but to keep going as those times don’t stay forever. I would love to be that girl again. I would love to awake in my bedroom and be 16 or 17. To get ready for school and spend the day with old friends on the campus I love.

for today...

Training Through Chastening
Hebrews 12:1-11
If you are now going through testing, there are three things you should especially remember.
First, God's way is the wisest way. Training is always accompanied by some type of hardship.
Even athletes realize they cannot properly train without giving up some of the pleasures of life and enduring the hardship of training. God trains us through chastening.
Second, God's time is the best time. God was working out His purpose through Joseph. It was impossible for Joseph to realize it at the time, but later he could look back and see that God's time had been exactly right--everything had worked out.
But imagine the lonely years of waiting. God does not act too early nor too late. He is never in a hurry but accomplishes things in His own time.
Too many of us either lag behind or run ahead of God's time. But we need to remember that the clock of divine providence keeps strict time. Because of our circumstances it may appear to be slow at times and fast at others, but the all-wise God knows precisely when to act.
Third, God's grace is sufficient. He will give us the grace we need to be patient.
James 1:4 says, "But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." The word "perfect" means "mature" or "complete." God is seeking to teach us valuable lessons so we will be mature believers.
"Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth: therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty" (Job 5:17).

A thought for today...

Had Joseph been looking at only the circumstances during his 13 years of trial and wrongful imprisonment, he would have despaired of all hope, but his trust was in God.

God's ways are mysterious; they are beyond man's comprehension. As God sovereignly works, man is often unable to understand why he is being led down a certain path.

"Man's goings are of the Lord; how can a man then understand his own way?" (Prov. 20:24).

For today...

This really spoke to me this morning:

He Will if You Will
All through the Bible we see the interworking of the will of God and the will of man. It was God, Creator and Sovereign, who conceived freedom for man--the glorious likeness to Himself in "the dignity of causality," to use Pascal's phrase. All things are so arranged in God's universe that He may work his will through man's exercising his gift of a free will. It is a gift, and one which, while it confers staggering power on us humans, also limits the Almighty. Here lies the tremendous mystery--that God should be all-powerful, yet refuse to coerce. He summons us to cooperation. We are honored in being given the opportunity to participate in his good deeds. Remember how He asked for help in performing his miracles: Fill the waterpots, stretch out your hand, distribute the loaves.
This little word of Paul's to the Corinthian Christians contains the whole kernel of that truth: "He will deliver us if you will cooperate by praying" (2 Cor 1:11).
Is there something you are hoping for today? Perhaps there is a condition you must fulfill before the Lord can grant it. He will if you will.

Funny!

For today...

Patient God, I find it easy to criticize and condemn what others do. Help me to count to forty, or more, if necessary, and to be as patient with others as you are with me. Amen.

SQUEE!!!!!

Clappy Hands!!! An article on Jilli! I really look forward to when we finally get to meet in real time.

RIP: Patricia Neal

"Frequently my life has been likened to a Greek tragedy, and the actress in me cannot deny that comparison."

"I don't lie down. ... I'm fightin' all the way"

Both are pretty good quotes....

As seen here, she lived a remarkable life.

For today...

Lord, deliver me from the urge to open my mouth when I should shut it. Give me the wisdom to keep silence where silence is wise. Remind me that not everything needs to be said, and that there are very few things that need to be said by me.

thought for today

Very possibly we often miss what God wants to show us because we don't take time to pray silently and watch quietly.

For today... (what an awesome reminder)

The Enemy is always looking for opportunities to control our lives. Where he cannot stir us up to revolt against God, he will seek to make us careless so that before we realize what is happening we are dominated by our fallen natures.

Thought for today

No matter how good we appear to be, we’re at a dead end if we depend on anything more than Jesus.

I always loved this quote.

"But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
-- W.B. Yeats

Dinner

I think I'll cook dinner tonight. Normally we eat light during the week; however, during the summer I try to really cook at least once a week. For tonight it will be Hamburger Casserole. I've been making it for a while and Tom always like it. I wish he would eat peppers and onions so I could add them to it as well. I forgot to get some mushrooms to put in it; but, it is fine without them.

Have a recipe for an Italian chicken recipe. Have most of the stuff to make it. Maybe I'll get the rest of the stuff and try to make that this week as well.

Need to make myself leave the house and go to the gym. Just haven't wanted to go anywhere. Really need friends here. After 12 years I have few roots in the place. In many ways it really isn't 'home'.

For today

How to Do the Job You Don't Really Want To Do

Certain aspects of the job the Lord has given me to do are very easy to postpone. I make excuses, find other things that take precedence, and, when I finally get down to business to do it, it is not always with much grace. A new perspective has helped me recently:

The job has been given to me to do.
Therefore it is a gift.
Therefore it is a privilege.
Therefore it is an offering I may make to God.
Therefore it is to be done gladly, if it is done for Him.
Therefore it is the route to sanctity.

Here, not somewhere else, I may learn God's way. In this job, not in some other, God looks for faithfulness. The discipline of this job is, in fact, the chisel God has chosen to shape me with--into the image of Christ.

Thank you, Lord, for the work You have assigned me. I take it as your gift; I offer it back to you. With your help I will do it gladly, faithfully, and I will trust You to make me holy.

Howard Jones interview

Here is a classic HoJo song and an interview with him. Just click on the link and "forward" to 2:25. Looking forward to getting to see him in concert again in October.

Is There Life After "No"?

This is a questions I'm still struggling with. After 12 years of prayer, God said 'no' to something I had deeply wanted. I'm still trying to figure out why God wants to keep me at the school for another year. Everything about the college seemed tailor made for me. For now, though, the door has been closed. Today I got the following devotion in my inbox. Wow...it really speaks to everything that has been going on. (the devotion came from here.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were living in Ukraine, someone once told me, “You know how we can tell if someone’s American? They’re the ones smiling for no reason.”

Wrap your head around that one.

I heard it five years ago and it’s still a brain teaser for me. In person and over a cup of tea, I could spend hours dissecting the cultural differences it alludes to. But, of late, it’s been the Christian culture I’ve been thinking about more than any other. And how that statement might apply to us all.

“You know how we can tell if someone’s a Christian? They’re the ones smiling and smiling and smiling. Sometimes for no good reason.”

For two years after our time in Ukraine we were anything but fine. After a decade away we had moved back to South Africa with high hopes for relocating back to my motherland. Those plans were eroded; slowly, painfully, and unexpectedly. Not a single step of our homecoming unfolded as we had so blithely assumed it would.

But, by all appearances we were fine. And if anyone asked, that’s what we told them.

I smiled at church. I smiled at playgroup. I smiled at bible study. And I smiled at kids’ birthday parties. I smiled for no good reason I could think of. Other than that I was sure no one expected me to respond to their generic, “So, how’re you doing?” with a bust gut of agony and bloody tears right there in the meet and greet between the worship and the sermon.

How awkward would that be?

“Snot en trane” – the spot-on Afrikaans expression “snot and tears” – is not generally the appropriate response to a pre-service handshake.

So instead I plastered a stubborn smile, band aid-like, over my bleeding innards and got really good at making small talk and deflecting anything that might try to peel back a corner of the tape.

But 18 months later things were worse. And for the first time I was faced with a “no” answer from God that I couldn’t seem to change or understand.

No, your husband won’t get the job he needs.


No, you won’t be able to stay in South Africa.


No, you don’t get to choose where you go next.

I realized I had been expecting the easy “yes” of what I now recognize as Christianity-lite. I thought if I could grin and bear it long enough, things would finally go my way. I know you’ve heard it too. The fluffy take on some pretty serious verses that try to tell you, “All you need is faith” and you’ll get what you want. “Just believe and the Lord will provide.” “Ask and you shall receive.”

So, this profound and resounding “no” was off my grid by a mile.

Things were not fine. Things were not good. Things hurt inside and out. We had to pack up our house and our new baby boy and move away from the family and country we were just rediscovering. The loss was physically painful.

I wrestled a long time with this new God of my “no.” But slowly I discovered that His answer didn’t dismiss my loss. Not if I saw it in the context of His ability to understand and respond to that loss.

Do you know the Bible story of the infertile woman whom God blessed with a child? The prophet Elisha had prayed for her. But before the boy was grown up, he died. And his desperate mother went looking for an answer. Listen to what she says when the prophet asks her that hardest of questions, “How’re you doing?”

“'Is it well with you? Is it well with your husband? Is it well with the child?'" And she answered, "It is well." 2 Kings 4:26.

She was far from fine. But she took that agony to the only person who could understand it. And at the feet of the God she could share her agony and outrage with, she was well. She was able to be real. Her answer didn’t dismiss her loss. It simply put it in the context of God’s ability to respond.

That is where He met me. At the cross-roads of his decision and my acceptance of it; he led me out of my heartache and into a season of redemption and beauty. All without changing his answer.

Instead he changed me.
(pt 2)
This is Owosso, Michigan. Unlikeliest of destinations. Corn fields as far as the eye can see and enough farm equipment that my son would soon be able to identify the difference between a “tractor” and a “combine.” Owosso opened its arms to us and I crawled in, lay down and died a little.

The loss of homeland and family felt like a physical wound. I bled; I cried. And for months after the move I felt disorientated and disconnected. I did not sense God in it at all. I walked forward in blind faith, stumbling over myself and my regret.

That was one of the most difficult parts of the process. Before we left South Africa, many well meaning Christians around us had constantly implied that if we just had enough faith it would all work out as we prayed it would. It made me start to ask the hard questions.

But what if it doesn’t work out?
What does that say about how God loves me compared to how God loves you (you who seemingly have your heart’s desire).
And after months of pleading prayer that yielded zero results, it was a bitter pill to hear others casually say, “Oh, well, we should just pray for you then.” As if their prayers carried more weight than ours. As if they had God’s ear and we did not.

It took a long, long time (and much wailing and gnashing of teeth) to pack it in and quit my homeland. Because no amount of prayer – by us or others – ended in the answer we were hoping for.

So, we said good-bye.

We watched as my little brother barreled through security at the airport to give my son one last, desperate hug.

We traveled 28 hours.

And we arrived in Owosso, Michigan.

That’s where I thought the story ended. But, you know already that was – instead – a surprise beginning. And I’m enjoying unpacking it with you all.

But, much like the slow and steady process of making chaos out of of a suitcase that is busting at the seams, it is better done in stages.

(Pt 3)

I’ve been digging through some of my old baggage – sharing pieces of the year God told us a whole lot of “no” and not much else. My hope is that it might encourage you if you find yourself stuck in a place where your prayers seem to be bouncing off the walls. If you want to start from the beginning you can read part 1 here and part 2 here.

After a year and a half in my homeland of South Africa our plans to settle in permanently under the purple boughs of the jacarandas were painfully uprooted. No one was hiring an international and if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that a man needs to work. So I blindly promised my husband that wherever he found a job, we would move.

Turns out that job was in Michigan.

It could not have been more different. Or more perfect a place to recover. Psalm 23 took on literal meaning for me. Out of the desert of God’s silence and our desperation He led us now into green pastures, beside quiet waters, and the Spirit begin the gentle process of restoring our souls.

We couldn’t afford a house or much of a rental either, but family friends had a home they couldn’t sell and were prepared to rent to us for a fraction of its worth in exchange for us being prepared to move out at a moment’s notice if it sold. It was deep in farm country and would have stood vacant if we hadn’t arrived when we did.

Pete’s aunt and uncle lived just around the corner and absorbed us into hearth and home. And slowly we started to find our feet and take tentative steps forward again.

And I discovered that at the heart of my misery – beyond the homesickness and sense of failure – had been a misunderstanding about faith. I had confused faith in God with faith in what God could do for me. I had been viewing God like a mystical vending machine; I inserted my prayers, pulled the handle and expected the desire of my heart to pop out the bottom slot.

Boy, was I deceived.

I have since come to believe that God is not nearly as interested in our happiness as He is in our holiness. What makes me happy is not necessarily what draws me closer to the God who knows my every nook and cranny. And He loves me enough to say, “no” when – as every parent understands – saying “yes” would have been so much simpler.

That doesn’t mean I don’t still ache for home and the could’ve beens if things had worked out there. It just means that I truly understand in a way I never had before, that His will is for His best, which in turn is for my best. Because He is the God of fresh beginnings and beautiful restoration. And I have the baby to prove it.

(pt 4)

After nearly a year in Michigan we traveled home to South Africa for a visit. We were nervous about how it would go. There was still lingering post traumatic stress from our roller coaster lows while living there. But we had a secret. It warmed us from the inside and carried us boldly forward.

I was pregnant.

And with each roll of this baby’s new body, each tap of his tiny feet on my belly I felt God’s Spirit whispering comfort and the fulfillment of promise in my heart. A Michigan baby headed to South Africa for the first time. The trip exceeded all our expectations. It was chock-a-block full of understanding and friendship and family ties tight and strong.

Like fresh rain it washed away the dirt and exhaustion of the last time we had been home. And we were left with clean memories. Ready for the imprint of moments like this.

The thought of another boy had us all whooping with glee. But a name, we didn’t have a name for a long time.

After three weeks of pap ‘n wors, koesisters, rooibos tea, and oodles of family we left. Again. And this time it only hurt in the good way. The heart so full of faces and places and grins that it wants to explode with a happy bang kind of way. Instead it pounds away in the chest keeping up a stomping rhythm of remembered, relived joy.

On take off, something else stomped. A small foot added its own gumboot beat to the ride. And a name, his name, flashed across my mind. Micah.

We knew no one by that name. We knew very little about the book. Micah was a minor prophet and his letter included in the Bible is just a few short chapters long.

When we got home we looked it up and started to read. And over the echoes of the past two years of “no” God spoke to us in new ways using the ancient words of a prophet to explain where we had come from and where we were going:

Therefore I will look unto the Lord;
I will wait for the God of my salvation:
my God will hear me.
Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy:
when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness,
the LORD shall be a light unto me.
I will bear the indignation of the Lord
because I have sinned against him,
until he plead my cause, and execute judgment for me:
he will bring me forth to the light,
and I shall behold his righteousness.
Micah 7:7-9.
(Even now I can’t read those verses without my eyes blurring.)

He knew all along what he was doing. Even in the darkest moments, there was a night light burning. And joy, such bright, beautiful joy came in the morning.

Two days after Christmas morning Micah was born.

God is our “Yes” in all things despite how we may feel at the time.

The Apostle's Creed

I BELIEVE in God, the Father almighty,
creator of heaven and earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord.
He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit
and born of the Virgin Mary.

He suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried.

He descended to the dead.
On the third day he rose again.
He ascended into heaven,
and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the holy catholic Church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and the life everlasting.

Amen.